As a testament to healing I gather all my courage and put my feelings – all of them, on the table for everyone to see. It isn’t exactly easy but it IS liberating.
I know I look ugly when I am sad, but I realize this is part of me too. And I have learned that the more healed I am the more I know I have a place and a purpose to fulfill.
Yeah, I’m a mixed breed. Half Thai, half Swedish. I’m a sinner and a saint, I am happy and sad. I am good and bad. And I need to take responsibility for every little part of me.
So, here we go…
Initially sadness, anxiety, depression seemed like all-consuming dark shadows
In the ebb and flow of life, melancholy and depression are inevitable companions, woven into the fabric of our existence. Yet, despite their prevalence, we often find ourselves grappling with these emotions in solitude, shrouded in shame and fear. Society’s relentless pursuit of happiness and success has cast a shadow over the legitimacy of experiencing sadness, leaving us to hide our “negative” personalities in the dark corners of our minds. However, by denying the reality of melancholy, we only exacerbate our suffering and perpetuate the stigma surrounding mental health.
I can subscribe to that.
At its core, melancholy is not merely a fleeting emotion; it is a profound state of being that touches every aspect of our lives. It is the quiet ache that lingers in the depths of our souls, reminding us of our vulnerability and humanity. Despite our best efforts to evade its grasp, melancholy finds a way to permeate our thoughts, colouring our perceptions of the world around us. In denying its existence, we deny a fundamental part of ourselves, robbing us of the opportunity for introspection and growth. It is like a black hole that sucks everything in.
We often conceal our melancholy behind masks of false optimism, fearing the repercussions of revealing our inner struggles. The pressure to conform to societal expectations weighs heavily upon us, compelling us to present a façade of strength and invulnerability to the world. We are conditioned to believe that vulnerability is a sign of weakness, that admitting to our struggles is tantamount to failure. Thus, we bury our pain beneath layers of pretense, hoping to shield ourselves from judgment and rejection.
I made that mistake too.
Yet, the truth remains that our attempts to conceal our melancholy only serve to deepen our isolation and suffering. We are haunted by the fear of not being accepted, of being deemed unworthy of love and belonging. We are plagued by feelings of embarrassment and inadequacy, as the world demands perfection and success at every turn. In our relentless pursuit of validation, we lose sight of our authentic selves, sacrificing our mental and emotional well-being in the process.
Moreover, our reluctance to acknowledge our melancholy stems from a profound fear of confronting our own shadows. We are afraid to confront the darker aspects of our psyche, the unresolved traumas and insecurities that lie dormant within us. We are afraid to acknowledge our own powerlessness, to admit that sometimes life overwhelms us and leaves us feeling adrift in a sea of uncertainty. Yet, it is only by facing our shadows head-on that we can begin to heal and reclaim agency over our lives.
The attitude that kept me stuck in darkness
In the labyrinthine corridors of our minds, the shadows of melancholy and depression cast their long, looming shadows, enveloping us in a shroud of darkness that obscures our sense of self and purpose. Like specters haunting the recesses of our consciousness, these formidable adversaries wield a power that is both insidious and pervasive, infiltrating every facet of my being with their suffocating embrace. In the depths of despair, my thoughts become tangled in a web of negativity, each strand a testament to the overwhelming weight of my inner turmoil. I found myrself trapped in a perpetual cycle of self-doubt and despair, my mind consumed by a relentless torrent of pessimism and hopelessness.
Melancholy and depression are not only mere fleeting emotions; they are formidable adversaries that wage war on our sense of self-worth and identity. They distort our perceptions of reality, casting a pall over even the brightest moments of our lives. In their grip, joy becomes fleeting and ephemeral, overshadowed by the omnipresent specter of despair. Our minds become battlegrounds, the echoes of past traumas and insecurities reverberating through the chambers of our consciousness. We find ourselves caught in a downward spiral of negative thinking, each thought feeding into the next until we are consumed by darkness.
In the depths of depression, my mind became a prison, trapping me in a state of perpetual despair. The world around me lost its vibrancy and color, becoming a monochromatic landscape devoid of hope or meaning. I retreated into myself, seeking solace in the solitude of my own thoughts, yet finding only the relentless echo of my own suffering. My mind became my battleground, the echoes of past traumas and insecurities reverberating through the chambers of our consciousness. I found myself caught in a downward spiral of negative thinking, each thought feeding into the next until I was consumed by darkness.
Yet, it is in the darkest depths of despair that we often find the seeds of our greatest strength. It is here, amidst the wreckage of our shattered dreams and broken promises, that we discover the resilience of the human spirit. We learn to navigate the treacherous terrain of our own minds, forging a path towards healing and redemption. And as we emerge from the shadows, battered but unbowed, we are reminded of the indomitable power of the human spirit to overcome even the darkest of nights.
Believe me. Nothing lasts. Thoughts come and go. Emotions likewise. But the more we struggle and the more we try to fight them, the longer it takes for them to dissolve and pass. Because they WILL pass!
Your job is to cast YOUR light into the darkness.
In my journey to combat anxiety and depression, I initially found myself engulfed in a relentless battle against my own emotions, struggling to suppress them in a futile attempt to regain control. However, as I fought against the tide, I unwittingly deepened the chasm within myself, dividing my consciousness into warring factions that left me feeling fragmented and exhausted. It wasn’t until I surrendered to the tumultuous sea of my emotions, allowing myself to be enveloped by their raw intensity, that I began to experience true healing. By embracing rather than resisting, I discovered a profound sense of unity within myself, transcending the barriers that had once divided me. In surrendering to the ebb and flow of my emotions, I found peace, wholeness, and the freedom to embrace all facets of my being.
In embracing my melancholy, I defied the notion that happiness is the only valid emotional state. I acknowledged the complexity of the human experience, embracing both the light and the dark within me. I accepted the idea that vulnerability is a weakness, recognizing it as a source of strength and connection. I reclaimed my power to shape my own narrative, refusing to be defined by society’s (and my own) narrow standards of success.
Ultimately, embracing melancholy is not a sign of weakness; it is an act of extreme courage and self-compassion, simply because we have to conquer the biggest fear of them all. Not the fear of darknes! No! We conquer the fear of the LIGTH. The light that shines upon us and reveals who we really are. That is more frightening than the fear of darkness and even death. I found myself in a battle to stay away from what I really wanted. Because of the fear of getting what I deserve.
This is a testament to our resilience in the face of adversity, our willingness to confront our deepest fears and vulnerabilities. By embracing our melancholy, we open ourselves up to the possibility of healing and transformation, forging a path towards greater authenticity, acceptance, and fulfillment.
Some call it forgiveness, but I like to call it accept or embracement. But basically it is the same.
When you accept the darkness you accept to be healed. Simply because the darkness is not something outside of you. It is part of you. And your job is to cast YOUR light into this darkness. As an explorer. When you accept darkness it transforms to happiness and joy.
What appears as the bird Phoenix rising from the ashes, is a more honest and present me.
Welcome to the world.